I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sext me about skeletons
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
