i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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