I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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