omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize