I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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