Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
