I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize