she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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