The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Apparently you make a good broom.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
