and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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