I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
