So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize