so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
