As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
