dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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