Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
