Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I love you. Go after that dick
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
