1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
