We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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