i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
