True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
