so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
They are going to name an STD after you.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
