'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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