so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
