Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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