dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
