How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
