Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
