I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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