I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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