I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
