his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
