Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i don't like sucking hair
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
