While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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