I wish I could punch you in the face.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
