We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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