dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My feet surprised me
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