I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
