ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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