i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
