Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
