i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
