The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
