I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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