don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
