On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Porn is love you can see.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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