I think scott just propositioned me for sex
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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