my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
