i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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