really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
