i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
