Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
