the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
did i walk over a car last night?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
