I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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